"are you lonely?"
you have so much love and nowhere to put it
a blunt question. one that strikes you directly in the heart. are you? you might flash a smile in surprise — lonely, who, me? but then as the thought settles, you sober up and really think about it. your smile fades.
I'm not lonely… I'm fine on my own. I've always been fine on my own.
~ Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
you think of all the things left unsaid and bottled up inside, because no one would understand; they'd judge you for them. you think of all the times you cried alone, wishing in your subconscious that you had someone to hold you tight and tell you everything would be okay. and then the evenings spent alone, eating salad straight from the bag, idly scrolling on your phone or rewatching your favourite tv show just for a sense of comfort. the way you feel like you're operating on a different wavelength to all the other people in a crowd. you don't understand them, and they don't understand you. like the loneliest whale, singing at a frequency of 52 hertz. seen, perhaps, but never understood.
He’d accepted long ago that some people, no matter how good their heart was or how much love they had to give, would always be alone. It was their lot in life, and Linus had figured out, at the age of twenty-seven, that it seemed to be that way for him.
~ The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune
and yet, you have so much love to give. you are so full of love and if you don't give it to someone soon, you feel as if you might burst. you're a hopeless romantic — you read love stories in books, and watch them play out in movies, deeply invested. you almost live vicariously through these fictional characters, because you know, or think you know, that perhaps love isn't for you. not that you're unlovable, per se, but just that feeling that love was never meant to find you, and never will.
you don't think you're a bad person, necessarily, but you certainly feel as if you're too much to handle, or not enough to satisfy. it's a conundrum. sometimes, you feel washed-out and dim in a crystal-clear world1 — or, you feel like an abominably, loudly colourful being in a grey world of structure and routine.
sometimes you feel so lonely your heart aches. aches for someone to hold, for someone to stay and confide in and love. sometimes you feel as if you could disappear and no one would know. the world around you would continue turning as if you were never there at all. you wonder if you would be missed. you highly doubt it. in the darkest crevice of your mind, a voice whispers, you don't matter; no, not to anyone. and loneliness crashes over you like a wave and you're drowning.
but here comes the nearly unbelievable part — you are able to choose the life you want, and love can find you when you least expect it. it may take years, decades, even, but one day you'll look around you and realise you are not alone. not anymore.
relationships can start in the most unlikely of places. someone choosing to sit next to you, and you just click. there are strangers out there who you will one day get to know and love. there are so many of these people who you have yet to meet.
everything passes. anything can change. loneliness, though it can seem like an impenetrable darkness, will shrink and fade until it is merely a memory.
so just wait and see. one day, you'll be able to honestly answer, with a grateful smile, no, i’m not lonely. i was once, but not now.
note: i know i’m not alone anymore, but i can still recall the days i was. i was lonely, desperately so, but it changed. of course it changed.
“Dim in a crystal-clear world” — paraphrased from The House in the Cerulean Sea